My friend Ali

Been away for a while. I went home, caught up with good friends, and unfortunately some of those friends are 'sick' friends. I put sick in inverted commas because they're not actually sick, but they are truely going through shit ie surgery. Not my place to highlight all that my friend Ali1 has been through. But we did talk a few weeks ago when I was in Tasmania. She had a huge operation last week and has come through. It looks like her outcomes will be better than expected. We don't know what the final outcomes are, but they will be better than before surgery. I'm happy with that.

I'm not Literal...Sorry....

But I wish I could..... I feel so bad to give the wrong impression.... Sorry, I am learning to fly in a metaphorical experience. I would love to learn to fly in person & one day I absolutely will.... but in my life experience right now.... it won't happen .... I just have to fly with Jet(Fuck) Star......

Blog Break

Quick post, going on leave back in 2 weeks, in the mean time I will be learning to fly......

Still Not Sure What to Call My Blog

Thinking.....

Just my take......

I wanted to post my thoughts after reading the many different issues and discussions around many of the blogs regarding diets, non diets and intuitive eating. I posted this as a reply on Liz's blog.

"As someone who is overweight and to be honest, has been on a diet for the last 20 years, it really hurts to hear peole who are obviously not overweight call themselves fat. I have thought about every morsel of food and drink that I have put in my mouth for the last 20 years, every bit of it.

I'm over it. I've lost 20+ kgs twice, and I now need to lose 20kgs again if I am to become accepted in this world. I do not and have never sat on the couch all day munching Maccas, and to assume that this is what all overweight people must do and eat is really offensive. If I was to look at it in my previous diet mentality, I probably drink a bit too much good red wine, and eat too much good food.

For the first time in my life I am not beating myself up each time I put food in my mouth, I have no weight loss goal or time frame. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I don't feel deprived because I know I can have anything I want to eat whenever I like. I think the last time I ate Maccas (or any of that style of food) was about 5 years ago, so if I wanted Maccas for dinner tonight and had it, what on earth would be the harm? Once in 5 years? But I'm not going to simply because I don't actually like it!

Does being overweight mean I have no right to exist in this world? Because sometimes that's how it feels. A worthless, useless person with no right to breathe. Sorry, no, I am a beautiful, healthy, smart, loving person, and honestly that is the first time I have ever said (written) that and truely believed it. I exercise because it makes me feel good, not to lose weight, I eat food that my body needs.

No I don't want to be fat forever but I'm going about things in a different way, I wonder what will happen, I'm really looking forward to this journey."

I copied this to keep on my blog, as it truely was the first time I believed what I wrote about myself.

I was very cross about a few comments at the time that I don't think were fair.

From Sue's blog (a person who I really do admire)

" Maybe this negativity has come about because these particular people were not successful at their own goals, and are envious of those who are, and those that enjoy the process of achieving them? Why shouldn’t you have a goal, something to drive you to improve and achieve? How someone can see this as a bad thing is beyond me."

"Sorry, but tell me what’s good about a double whopper cheeseburger deluxe or whatever you want to call a bunch of fat, sugar and preservatives piled on top of each other? There is nothing good about this type of food, end of story. If you eat it, you are eating it for emotional reasons, so accept that, but don’t try and justify it by telling yourself it’s not bad for you."

"I’m a little confused. I mean, what do you think it is that makes a ‘happy, fulfilled, contented life’? Sitting on the couch watching tv and munching on Macca’s, simply existing?"

From my point of view I have beaten myself up every day for years. Goals? If I looked at things as I previously had, yes I failed. I didn't lose weight. What I am now thinking is perhaps I went about trying to achieve these 'goals' in the wrong way - FOR ME. It was 20 years of deprivation. Twenty years of I can't have this or that. Twenty years of up and down. I don't believe that the 'negative comments' are made because of an individual's failure to reach their goals, and I don't belive there is envy in any post. I don't believe bloggers like KatieP, Shelly and others are envious, goodness look at what they have done, they've changed the way they think out food, health and fitness. Neither of them sit on the couch eating Maccas all day.

I haven't had Maccas, Kentucky Chuck, or Red Rooster for years, I can't remember when I last had it. So if I decided to have Maccas tomorrow, I'm eating for emotional reasons? I don't think so. Mind you if I ate it I would probably feel dreadful and not want eat it again for another 5 years. A few weeks ago if I had eaten it I would have had a huge guilt trip, called myself a fat ugly pig who didn't deserve to live.

My self image has always been a problem, yes I'm overweight and I don't want to be. Intuitive eating still scares me, but my focus is on eating healthy and listening to my body. It's amazing that when you really believe you can eat anything anytime, you really don't want, crave, feel deprived. I have no idea what I ate all week, other than it included lots of fresh salad and veggies, some mountain bread, some wine, protein and some lovely pate. Being new at this I did weight myself this week and guess what, I lost weight. Today I logged what intuitively I ate, turns out it was about 200 calories less than what was my diet calorie limit. It's evening I'm not hungry, and I won't be going to bed berrating myself about how bad I am. No I won't be weighing or counting calories anymore, I have proven to myself that I can trust myself.

I think that many people have stated that comments can be taken out of context when they are made in an arena that is not face to face. This is certainly true. Perhaps I have taken Sue's comments out of context. I'm not criticizing her, she is absolutely entitled to say what she did. But as an example, I gave my take on the comments as they were written.

I am truely happy with myself. Tomorrow I'm going to the gym and will do some work on the treaddie and bike, whilst waiting for a program to be drawn up my my PT & friend. I love weights and can't wait to get back to them, although modified to incorporate my back rehab. I will continue to see her once a week on the foreshore (until it starts to rain) with 2 other friends. We have a ball, we laugh and the hour goes by extremely quicky. We'll then go indoors and continue the fun once the weather turns wet.

Love the new diet.....

The "Fuck It Diet", no diet. Have been reading about intuative eating and reading blogs. What a weight off my shoulders.

Haven't posted for a while, busy doing assignments. Good marks so far, but it gets a lot harder from here - biostatistics and epidemiology - maths - YUCK!!!! Only doing it as it is a compulsory subject. I keep telling myself I just need a pass!

Tomorrow is my first PT session in almost 2 months. Early start - 0600, can't wait to get back into it. Lovely setting by the beach .....

A bit of this and that....

Well, the pic has nothing to do with the post other than the weather atm is getting on towards the most interesting season. A little bit dry, a little bit wet, but mostly build up. Fucking hot! This pic was taken last year during our wet season at Dripstone Cliffs. Storm approaching.

Well physio was sick today, so can't see him until Mon. However I did speak a physio at work, and walking should be ok. Will have to go to the gym and attack the treaddie, as it's really hot and humid at the moment. Having not done much for about 6 weeks I think I'll die, so sookie la la will go to the gym.

Pain is bearable, actually quite good considering what it was like, but I know what aggravates it. Standing in the one place for too long. Unfortunately Wednesdays are like that all morning.

I had a cheat meal, and I think like Frankie, they are not a good thing for me. I think I will keep control of what I eat but to get the calories up for that day just increase things like sweet potato and spuds.

I had some really awful family news this week, no one died or is really sick, but it has rocked my close family members. Good thing is I didn't try to comfort myself with food, so that was good.

Life is full on with study at the moment. I have an assignment/assessment due each Monday from now until the end of the semester. I'm a bit peeved as I have one assignment back out of 3, did well, but I really want my last one back, it was about study protocols, need feed back or I'll make the same mistakes again as the assessment as it's another study protocol!